Joe’s Bible, the Introduction
INTRODUCING “JOE’S BIBLE”.
The following is the introduction to a retelling of the first few books of Genesis taken from a manuscript whose author is unknown but refers to himself only as “Joe”. The manuscript was discovered by Trenz Pruca laying at the bottom of an extra large sized jar of Skippy’s Creamy Style peanut butter that he was frantically scraping to dig out the last bits of peanut butter for his usual lunchtime peanut butter and jelly sandwich on white bread.
One night I had a dream and it went something like this:
I dreamt I saw old Abraham in his tent drunk on fermented camel’s milk surrounded by his sons and a few hangers-on. Outside the tent his wives, concubines and female slaves tended the cook fire and drew lots to see who would sleep with the smelly old bastard that night.
Old Abe was raving about the rejection of his application to join the Babylon Men’s Camel Dung Rolling Club when suddenly he realized the truth. “O my Unmentionable Deity, I must be Jewish”.
“Why would I want to join their damned club anyway” he shouted. “They could not be very exclusive if they would allow someone, living in an Unmentionable Deity damned tent like me to join”. And with that both antisemitism and jewish humor entered the world at the same time.
“I will form my own club and will not let anyone join. I will show them real exclusivity”.
Isaac, a pimply faced overweight adolescent, fearing this could lead to the end of his sneaking out of the tent at night after the old man passed out for some action with the sweet-smelling Babylonian girls leaving him only with the dung smelling camel herding sluts his dad preferred, protested, “We can’t do that. We don’t have a membership card or anything.”
Abe stared at Isaac whom he disliked and surmised was probably gay. He thought, “Maybe I should kill him now before he gets a chance to breed”.
“We will make our own membership cards, clay tablets” Abe announced.
“No, you’re right, too heavy. It will break the line of our robes. Tattoos” he suggested.
“No, everyone’s got tattoos nowadays”. “I’ve got it” he exclaimed “We’ll cut off the ends of our dicks. Nobody will have membership card like that”.
“You got to be kidding” cried Isaac.
With that Abe grabbed his knife jumped over the fire grabbed Isaac by the shirt and said, “I’ve had enough of you, you little shit, prepare to die.”
In good biblical tradition Isaac thought quickly and lied. ” Wait” he said,”I see the hand of God What’s His Name staying your hand from killing your son because he and all your sons submit to the will of What’s His Name”.
With that Abe relented killing Isaac. Instead he cut off the end of the dick of every male present. At the moment of initiation each one screamed “Yowee that hurts”.
When it was all over Abe rested. He looked at all his sons writhing in agony on the floor of the tent and said, “You know, I like that. Up to now whenever the guys hung out talking about their gods it was always Ishtar this and Baal that. They would all laugh when I mentioned the God Whose Name Could Not Be Uttered. From now on in recognition of this event whenever we utter we shall utter the name of our all-powerful creator, ‘Yowee’. What do you think?”
In my dream, I wondered how they were going to be able to identify one another as member of the men’s club. Groping under each others tunic was a little more obvious than a Masonic handshake. Maybe they originally held their meetings in the health club shower.
Anyway my dream fast forwarded to 33 AD (although they did not know at the time it was 33 AD, everyone thought it was 3000 years or something since God rested) and the throng (we no longer throng today, we crowd, what a loss) was pressing forward to enter the temple on the sabbath, the day people thronged to the temple, a building that replaced the old health club showers .
The guard at the gate of the temple in Jerusalem stopped one of the throngers who happened to be Jesus of Nazareth.
“Hey you, only Jews allowed to enter the temple. You Jewish? You don’t look Jewish with that fruity double-pointed red beard”.
“My good man,” said Jesus (he was a Rhodes Scholar and had studied in England) “of course I’m Jewish, I speak Hebrew as though I never learned Aramaic”.
“Anyone can learn Hebrew” responded the guard. “Whip it out and put in on the table.”
Now Jesus had no problem with whipping it out given all the time he spent with the ladies and all that laying of the head on the breast and that sort of thing and he was quite proud of his membership card. So he whipped it out and everyone getting a look at it exclaimed “Oh my God”.
“That’s right” said Jesus, “Now all of you get out of my fucking temple”.
Now where Jesus was quite proud in his membership in Judaism, Paul of Tarsus was less so. Where they all marveled at Jesus Membership, they all laughed when Paul whipped his out. So Paul went to the Apostles (the “Come to Jesus’ Marching and Motorcycle Club”) gathered at their clubhouse in Jerusalem (Apostles “gather” they do not “throng or “crowd”) and said to them “This membership card thing isn’t working. It’s too hard to get anyone to join and tithe. Since we’re the new guys (and guys we are) we need a new card. Besides aren’t you all a little tired of having to show your card every time before you give a sermon”
“Good thought Paul” said Peter who although not afflicted by the results of being kicked by a horse on the way to Damascus as was Paul, was a shy man. “What should the new membership card be?”
“Faith shining through their eyes” said Paul.
“How would anyone know” questioned Peter?
“We will know. Besides if the light shines through everyone’s eyes what difference would it make”.
Then I woke up and felt inspired to begin writing a new Bible integrating all the people of the Book, the Jews with their Old Testament, the Christians with their New Testament and Muslims with their Koran.
Now in writing a bible one of the things one has to wrestle with is theology, because no one knows what it is but they all think it is very important so they end up fighting about it all the time.
For example, in each of the Books relied upon by the People of the Book God appears somewhat different.
In the Hebrew Bible, Abraham had a lot of different gods to choose from because there were a lot around at that time. He could have chosen a Sun God, all shiny and gold riding across the sky every day looking like his shit don’t stink. Or he could have chosen one of the Goddess babes that were always sneaking around from tent to tent shagging one God or another or if no God would have them then some mortal that they then would turn into stone or something gross out of embarrassment.
But no, Abe was the worlds first stand up comic. He thought it would improve his act to choose the one God no one else wanted. He chose the as God for his people the God of insanity.
He was mortified, instead of laughing his audience cheered.
All the other Gods and Goddesses spent their time shagging one another and just about anything else that walked, flew, swam or slithered in, on or under the earth, or they would sometimes play an ancient form of video game, choosing up sides among the Gods and having mortals slaughter each other cheering on their team until one side wins. Oh it must have been great fun.
But not Abe’s choice, He did not join in the fun, instead He really liked killing. Compared to Him Loki the German god who brought on Ragnarök, the end of the Gods was a choir boy.
In fact He was a Homicidal Maniac. He wanted His people to kill everyone else and take their land on top of it. If His people lost, He did not just shrug His shoulders and walk away like the other gods, promising to get even later. No instead He would blame His people. Told them they deserved to lose because they ate pork or something He did not like to eat ( I also hear that he was lactose intolerant).
God liked to eat steak, fish and okra. In fact one of the original books of the bible was a list of God’s favorite recipes, but it has been lost.
After God’s chosen people began to lose, God even stopped talking to them, instead communicating to them only through his mouth pieces he called “Prophets”.
He also did not want anyone mentioning His name, but wherever someone did mention Him they had to capitalize the first letter of whatever word they used to refer to Him.
The God of the Christian Bible on the other hand seemed to be a bit of a wuss. Sort of all diffident and misty. He did not seem to say much, leaving all the heavy lifting to His Son. He did, however, hang on to the capitalization thing.
The God of Islam seems to be an OK guy. He spends most of his time creating virgins for His elect when they die and generally left operations to His CEO, Mohammed.
On the issue of joining the club, each book had a slightly different approach.
The Hebrews were not particularly interested in new members, preferring to kill them and take their land. The Christians and their God liked to beg them to join first and then if they didn’t, kill them and take their land. And Mohammed seeing the difficulties experienced by his predecessors decided on the up front approach, “Either join us or we will kill you and take your land.”
The problem of women:
Some may ask what about the women?
Well, first of all Abraham, Jesus and Mohammed all were men and the first thing on any man’s mind besides killing other men is getting it off with a woman. (There is some question about which side of the plate Jesus batted from, but I think the weight of opinion was that he may have been a switch hitter [He grew up in a Greek neighborhood after all]).
Second, the thing that men hate worst of all is women telling them what to do or having to ask if he could go off with the boys and kill a few enemies and rape their women.
No, the whole People of the Book is a guy thing.
Think about it, would a women dream of having 72 virgins after she dies in battle. Women are smarter than that. First pf all, who needs virgins? They wont be virgins for long and then what? Also no women would be taken in by some guy promising her nights of pleasure after she’s dead. Besides who cleans up the place? She would figure it would probably be her as always.
In addition to the old and new Testament and the Koran, I have sometimes used for my material, writings of old jewish comedians, mostly insane christian hermits and a few muslim jihadists.
For example, in the Old Testament, at the end of Genesis I, God creates women out of the same muck from which he created man. In Genesis II however, we see God creating Eve out of Adam’s rib.
Noticing that discrepancy, some of the old jews suggested that there were two woman created. The first one Lilith was clearly a shicksa so the marriage of course did not work out and after the divorce she slept around a lot. Eve, on the other hand, coming from Adam’s own rib was a match made in heaven so to speak.
I also moved the triune God invented by the clearly insane St John the Evangelist up into Genesis because not even Abraham could conceive of anything a ridiculous as a God with a split personality.
I do not include cites and footnotes of what I steal from others. The authors of the Bible did not, claiming that it all came from the hand of God, so why should I.
In Genesis I, one may notice a focus on excrement and genitalia like that of a 5-year-old boy. One must remember, Genesis recounts events early in God’s career and does reflect his juvenile phase.
One also may become aware of the use of words and phrases that it is said are not used in polite society. This merely reflects Zipf’s Law that in any language a few words get used a lot.
In current english the words that appear to be used the most are the words, “shit” and “fuck”. These two words we know can be and are employed for effect in all sorts of situations and can operate comfortably in every grammatical format known to the language. I have merely translated the holy books into today’s evolved english usage.
In Genesis I, I introduce the word Levee`. Levee` is a french word and refers to the ceremony perfected during the reign of Louis IVX where the entire court would gather and watch the King arise from bed and take a dump. The royal chamberlain would then check out the King’s scat and announce to the court whether the king was feeling well that day. Given that in Genesis I God did some of his most important work during the mornings of this first six days, I felt a similar ceremony would be appropriate.
I use Marker Felt Wide Typeface. It is generally used to denote humor but it is also can be difficult to read. So is the Bible.