Joe’s Bible – Sui Genisis I
The following is the first book of the mysterious manuscript I discovered at the bottom of a Skippy’s Peanut Butter jar. According to the author, Joe, the typface used in the manuscript was “…Marker Felt Wide Typeface. It is generally used to denote humor but it is also can be difficult to read. So is the Bible.”
Regretfully that typeface cannot be reproduced here.
SUI GENESIS I
HOW GOD CREATES EVERYTHING AND FUCKS IT UP ANYWAY
1. Long long ago (about 5000 years again fact), there lived GOD and nobody else and it was dark.
2. And with GOD was the WORD and the word was “YOWEE, that hurts. Who put the fucking trumpet in front of the bathroom door? Let there be light” and the universe was cleft in twain because only a YOWEE can cleft a twain and there was light.
3. And GOD said “that’s better” and he named the light “Day” and the dark “Night”.
4. “Why?” said the Word.
5. “Because” said GOD “You couldn’t call the day night could you and by the way who the hell are you?”
6. “I am the Word” Word answered, “and I am here with Ghost. We are all together in this, whatever this is”.
7. “How come I never met you two before” asked GOD?”
8. “Because this is the first Levee`” said Ghost. “And by-the-way it’s still dark at night and we could still trip over things. You’re the Creator you should do something about it”.
9. “All this creating has tired me out” said the Creator ” Maybe I will work on it tomorrow” and GOD saw that this was a good idea.
9. And so they went to bed, but the Creator could not sleep because he had never slept with two guys before and it made him uncomfortable.
10. And on the second Levee`, GOD arose but could not separate the waters from the firmament and Ghost suggested a laxative and GOD saw it was good.
11. Then GOD said “what’s the use of a Levee` if there is no one to watch it”. And so the Creator created many many (Word called it”a shit load”. Him of course being good with words and all) beings he called “angels” and ordered them to all look at him at all times which irked one of the angels called Lucifer Morning-Star because it was very boring since there was really nothing to look at except GOD sitting on his throne trying to separate the waters from his firmament.
12. And Lucifer spoke “What is this crap? We all look like nancy-boys with our ringlets. And besides there you sit 15 feet tall, long white hair and beard, rippling muscles and a three and a half foot dong and what do we get, these little fucking wings, and a shift for GOD’s sake with nothing under it ”
13. After Lucifer spoke all the angels started grumbling.
14. Sensing trouble GOD said “Stop it all of you. I admit Lucifer has got a point there. I am new at this creator stuff. I’ll tell you what, I’ll consider giving you all dongs, of course much smaller than mine, when I figure out what it is good for. Let me sleep on it and think it over”.
15. And the angels appeared satisfied with that except for Lucifer but he held his peace.
16. Seeing this the Creator turned to Word and Ghost and said “We have got to keep an eye on that one we do”. And GOD agreed with himself that that was a good idea.
17. And on the third Levee as GOD sat on his throne amidst his angels hoping the laxative would do him some good, the Creator said “Ghost since thou art my spirit get thee below me and gather the waters that I shall call the ‘Seas’ in one place and let the hard stuff appear that I shall call ‘Earth'”.
18. And the Word said,”Why are you talking like that with all those thees and thous?”
19. “Because I thought that sounded more GOD like” answered the Creator.
20. And so the spirit of GOD passed over the waters and did as he was told and GOD did not feel better because it stunk up the place and thus the Creator said “Let the earth put forth vegetation, plants yielding seed and fruit trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind and oh do not forget flowers, sweet-smelling flowers” and it was so.
21. And GOD said “that’s a pretty good days work” and went off to bed.
22. On the fourth Levee GOD sat on his throne amidst all his angels and he thought and after a while he said “This day and night thing is a little too bland for my taste. I think I’ll put these sparkly things up in the night…ah sky and call them stars and don’t ask me why I call them that they just seem like stars”
23. “Still too dark” observed Word.
24. “OK, the Creator agreed, “I’ll add this big silver thing the…Moon. I like that the Moooon. Sounds good. And to balance things out, I’ll add this yellow thing here in the day and call it the Sun.” And before anyone else could speak he glared at everyone and said “What else would I call it”?
25. Word and Ghost agreed and Ghost said he liked the color scheme so far.
26. And on the Fifth Levee`, GOD sat on his throne amidst his adoring angels and peered between his legs at the seas and the earth below him and said “I know its pretty, but its boring I think we need a little action”.
27. And so the Creator got to work and said “Let the waters bring forth swarms of things that move around, and let there be things that fly about the seas and the earth” and GOD was still not satisfied so the Creator said “Let the land also bring forth things that move about” and the Platypus, the Gnu and lots of slimy things came out upon the earth. And upon seeing this the Creator said “Uh..let me be clearer, let there be things like Cows and insects and Tigers and Elephants yes especially Elephants and things like that” and so it was done.
29. Then the Creator said “I have got a great idea on how to really liven things up”, and he divided each animal into two and to one he gave a dong a lot like his but mostly smaller except for the very big animals because he thought it would look strange if it were too small and probably would not work anyway, each according to his kind and to the other a deep slippery hole in which to the dong fit pretty comfortably in most part and then the Creator said to all the things that moved on the earth, in the air and in the seas “Now go fuck your selves silly and increase and multiply and fill the earth and kill and eat one another with lots of blood and screaming and things like that” and GOD was happy and took a nap because this was a really hard day for him.
30. And on the fifth Levee` GOD sat on his Throne amidst the adoring angels and said “You know I would rely like something that looks like me and all this naming and watching over things is getting annoying so we could assign him to do that”.
31 And so the Creator took some of the stuff floating under the Throne of GOD and created something in his own image but instead of being 15 feet tall, covered in hair, with rippling muscles and a 3 and a half foot dong (Called the ‘Dong of GOD’ or ‘Ding Dong’) the thing was about 5 ft 9 inches tall a bit flabby, not too much hair and its dong barely 6 inches long” And GOD approved and called it Adam because he did not like Word’s suggestion that it be called Irving.
32. Then the Creator reached again into the muck and molded something into which Adam could fit his little dong and called it Lilith.
33. Then Gabriel, one of the angels, looked at Lilith closely and said “Yowee, what are those things?”
34. “Knockers” said GOD thinking quickly.
35. Then GOD, a little peeved at the angels reaction to Lilith, said to the Heavenly Host, “Forget her, I want you all to bow down and worship my man Adam.”
36. “That does it,” said Lucifer, “Im pissed. First you have not delivered on the dongs and…”.
37. And GOD, sensing trouble, immediately had the Creator pass out dongs to Lucifer and a few of the other angels that seemed to agree with him and said, “Does that satisfy you now?”
38. “Not really” said Lucifer. “You told us when we were created that we were your right hand..uh angels and now you want us to bow before this pissants (Lucifer was pretty good with words himself) midget GOD and we still have these goddamn shifts and fruity little wings”
39. And with that Rafael, another angel, bitch slapped him good and hard and all hell broke out in Heaven with angels pulling each others hair and rolling on the ground and the like.
40. “Do something” said Ghost to the Creator, “You created them.” But just then GOD’s firmament moved and he was preoccupied.
41. And so it came to pass that Gabriel and his nancy-boys drove Lucifer and his biker friends from heaven. Not that they wanted to stay there anyway because tomorrow was Sabbath and the day of their weekly motorcycle rally along Coast Highway.
42. So when Gabriel returned, GOD thought it would be a good Idea to give him a reward for his efforts and gave him the old trumpet he had lying abound and was always tripping over.
43. “Blow Gabriel Blow” GOD directed and Gabriel did blow and the sound that came out was so horrid and loud that GOD could feel the waters under his throne splashing his nether parts.
44. “Hmm” GOD said to Gabriel, “instead of blowing on your horn right now how’s about I give you all these little harps you can play on and maybe, you know, you can organize a heavenly chorus?”
45. GOD seeing the Gabriel seemed a bit dejected said to him, “Trust me Gabriel hold off on blowing the trumpet right now and I promise you that the next time you do my firmament will return to the waters.” And that cheered Gabriel greatly.
46. in addition to the chorus, Gabriel, Raphael, Michael and Ringo formed a rock band that they called Big G and the Archangels and they all dressed in sequins that sparkled in the light and put on a show for GOD.
47. And then the Word, while God listened to the Gabriel’s band playing “When the Saints Go Marching In”, whispered to the other two they would be a great lead act for the next Levee`, and God said “that’s a good idea”.
49. Then GOD said “Thats it. I’ve had enough of this creating. I’m taking tomorrow off.”
50. And with that GOD got up, left his throne, went back to bed and slept through all the next day.