Joe’s Bible – Genisis II, Not So Sui.
GENISIS II, Not So Sui
HOW GOD TRIED BUT STILL COULDN’T GET THINGS RIGHT
1. Well, after resting for a day GOD went walking in his garden and came upon Adam who appeared unhappy and God said onto Adam, “Hey, my man Adam, wasp? Why so glum chum?”
2. And Adam answered, “It’s Lilith, you know, she always wants to be on top, and goes around renaming things that I already named and things like that and I think she’s sleeping around. I don’t know what to do about it anymore.”
3. “That bad is it?”, said GOD. “Normally I don’t like to involve my-selves in domestic matters, but seeing as how unhappy you are on this glorious first day after I created everything, I’ll see what I can do,” and so God called Lilith in for a little talk.
4. “Lilith” said GOD, “Whats this about you not listening to Adam and going around naming things?”
5. And Lilith answered, “What! Has that little pencil dick gone complaining to you? Now see here, you made me out of the same stuff you made him and whatever he can do I can do and probably better.”
6. “Well,” God said “Maybe if you just let him get on top now and then he would feel better and not come complaining to me so often.”
7. “Screw you pops,” said Lilith. “You gave me this hole instead of a rod and I’m going to use it the way I like it best. What would you know about it anyway? Even with that three and a half-foot dong of yours you probably have not gotten laid since creation.”
8. And GOD began to get a bit peeved and said, “Ha, that’s how much you know. I’m quite in demand among the goddesses hereabout. In fact whenever old Zeus is out screwing that bull-dyke Europa, I’m right up on Olympus there giving Hera a bump or two. And I must be pretty good to because she never says ‘Oh Zeus’, no, it’s always ‘Oh GOD, Oh my God, Yowee”. And with that he glared at Lilith with a smug expression.
9. “Ok”, said Lilith, “if you’re so good how about giving me a tumble GODY. I’m getting a little tired of old limp dick over there”
10. And with that GOD jumped up and shouted “Get thee gone hussy before I smite thee,” for if truth were know he had only slept with Word and Ghost since creation and was sorely embarrassed.
11. “OK” said Lilith. “Keep your drawers on. I’m happy to go. This place is getting on my nerves anyway with all that naming this and naming that. I think I’ll go find old Lucifer Morning Star, I hear he’s forming a hot band, all dressed in black vinyl with scarlet piping and horns and tails. That’s pretty hot. Not like your prancing nancy-boys in their sequined tights.” And, with that she bounced her knockers once or twice, turned and with a swish of her buttocks strode off.
12. After a while GOD went to Adam and said, “Look here my boy, I am giving you a divorce. Yes I know you are not supposed to divorce, but Gods can do that sort of thing if they want to.”
13. And Adam began to cry and said, “But, I’ll be all alone and I was just getting the hang of it and those knockers…”
14. “OK. OK, I get your point. I’ll have the Creator make you another playmate”. And with that GOD put Adam asleep and the Word reminded the Creator that Lilith felt she could boss Adam around because she was made from the same stuff as Adam.
15. “I know” said the Creator. I’m thinking of taking part of Adam here and making his companion. In that way she will always be only a small part of him. I think I’ll take one of his ribs, I may have made too many of them originally anyway.”
16. And the Creator formed Adam’s companion out of his rib and as he was doing so he paused for a moment over her knockers and thought fondly of Lilith’s but then with a sigh made these a little smaller, well actually a lot smaller.
17. Then Adam awoke and GOD introduced him to her whom GOD called Eve just to piss everyone off who wanted him to call her Miriam.
18. And Adam saw her and said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.”
19. Than Adam said, “Thanks GOD. Is there anything I can do for you?”
20. And GOD said, “Yes there is, although you may freely eat of every tree of the garden; but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall die.”
21. “Woah,” said Adam, “that’s pretty harsh. What do you call this place?”
22. “Eden” said GOD.
23. A river flowed out of Eden to water the garden, and there it divided and became four rivers. The name of the first is Pishon; it is the one which flows around the whole land of Havilah, where there is gold; and the gold of that land is good; bdellium and onyx stone are there. The name of the second river is Gihon; it is the one which flows around the whole land of Cush. And the name of the third river is Tigris, which flows east of Assyria. And the fourth river is the Euphrates.