JOE’S BIBLE – EVEN LESS SUI TO THIS GENISIS III
This is the last part of the manuscript that I found at the bottom of the Skippy’s Peanut Butter Jar. I will look for more in my new extra-large jar of peanut butter when I get to the bottom of it. In the meantime, if you find any of the manuscript at the bottom of your peanut butter jar, if you like, you can send it along to me and I will be happy to add it the fragments already published.
EVEN LESS SUI TO THIS GENISIS III
1. Now the woman Eve one day went for a walk in the garden and ran into a guy dressed in black vinyl with scarlet piping and a large boner.
2. “Yowee,” said the woman Eve seeing the boner,” What is that?”
3. “That,” said the black clad figure “is my serpent and my serpent is more subtle than any other wild creature that the LORD GOD had made,” He then said to the woman, “Did not GOD say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree of the garden?'”
4. And the woman said to the man in black with the serpent, “We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden; but GOD said, ‘You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.'”
5. But the man in black with the serpent said to the woman, “But if you eat my fruit you will not die. ”
6. “For GOD knows that when you eat of my fruit your eyes will be opened, and you will be like GOD, knowing good and evil.”
7. So when the woman saw that the serpents fruit was good , and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the serpent’s fruit was to be desired to make one wise, she took of us fruit and ate;
8. And she also gave some to her husband, and he ate.
9. Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves aprons.
10. And they heard the sound of the LORD GOD walking in the garden in the cool of the day talking to Himselves, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD GOD among the trees of the garden.
11. But the LORD GOD called to the man, and said to him, “Where are you?”
12. And he said, “I heard the sound of thee in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.”
13. He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?”
14. The man said, “The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate.”
15. Then the LORD GOD said to the woman, “What is this that you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent of the man dressed in black vinyl beguiled me, and I ate it.”
16. The LORD GOD said to the man in black with red piping, “Dammit Lucifer you are becoming a pain in My Ass.”
17. “I am gonna put enmity between you and women, and from your seed and their seeds your children shall be pains in your ass when they become teenagers just like you are to Mine.”
18. To the woman He said, “If you think having kids is tough now, I will greatly multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children, yet your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.”
19. And to Adam He said, “You schmuck, because you have listened to the voice of your wife, and have eaten of the tree of which I commanded you, ‘You shall not eat of it,’ cursed is the ground because of you; in toil you shall eat of it all the days of your life; every 15 minutes your door bell will ring and when you answer it you will be greeted by two Jehovah’s Witnesses who I created just for this purpose. Your kids will have runny noses all the time. You will believe that eating snails in garlic butter sauce makes you appear classy”
20. “Thorns and thistles it shall bring forth to you; and you shall eat the plants of the field.”
21. “In the sweat of your face you shall eat bread, tofu and broccoli till you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; you are dust, and to dust you shall return. And a whole lot more when I get around to thinking about it. Yeah, just remember I’m gonna be watching you and thinking up things to burn your ass.”
22. “That;s a little hard on me don’t you think,” said Adam? “After all she did it. Why not send her away like you did Lilith and make me another one,…with bigger knockers if you don’t mind?”
23. And the LORD GOD boomed, “No, asshole, I have had enough of both of you,” But GOD felt a little bad about his outburst and sent out for a tailor who made for Adam and for his wife nice little garments of skins, and clothed them.
24. Then the LORD God said, “Behold, the man has become like one of us, knowing good and evil; and thinks he knows it all. Well, I’ll show him.”
25. Therefore the LORD God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from which he was taken. He also made the both of them live in a trailed park in Modesto.
26. He drove out the man; and at the east of the garden of Eden He placed His private rent-a-cops that he called His Cherry Buns,to guard the way to the tree of life. and a flaming sword which turned every way and lit up on holidays, and a big lock and the Marines and… “I think that will do it,” whispered GHOST. So GOD stopped but He still was pissed.
27. “That will teach them not to fuck with Me,” said GOD. But, in fact, it did not teach them anything.